An auspicious date

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Nothing happened

The day has arrived*; the dragons are unleashed. How excited are you? Two bank holidays and a weekend, and still it is May the twenty second for some. It is time to reveal the finale, having come across Lambton Worm, a tale about a young squire who went fishing on a Sunday morn when he should not have done with terrible consequences for the people who lived on both sides of the Wear, Coco thought Coco would paraphrase some of it with another dragon tale about a different young squire (young ‘un) in a not so proper dialect sung in an awful Geordie accent.

I would find it hard to think that anyone would take offence at the content of the video (you have been warned), but should you find that the link has been broken, there is a back up copy here: http://purechocolate.org.uk/music_other/auspiciousday.htm.

Apologies to those who understand neither spoken nor written Geordie. There is a partial transcription here, but if this works properly you shall see that embedded below in an iframe. Some words do still defeat Coco. Apologies to those who do speak and read Geordie also for orthographic, linguistic, dialectical, grammatical, innocent and deliberate errors. You’ll also find a link to the original Lambton Worm in the same place. Please pay careful attention to the refrain, as it asks you to do.

In nineteen hundred an eighty nine
On May the twenty second
A young ‘un walked into a skwah
For a most auspicious date.
It wuz the day when nuthin’ ‘appened
But George the third wuz born.
It wuz the day they aall escaped
From Dunkirk where they’d aall gan.

Whisht! Lads, haad yor gobs,
An aa’ll tell ye’s aall an aaful story.
Whisht! Lads, haad yor gobs,
An’ aa’ll tell ye’s ‘boot the skwah.

It wuz the day they aall be’aivd
An brought to end the war,
An the Treaty of Trianon was signed
Which left sum very sore.
It wuz the day when Tonga’s king
Gave up his protection.
They joined the Commonwealth, ye ken,
In nineteen seventy nun.

Whisht! Lads, haad yor gobs,
An Aa’ll tell ye’s aall an aaful story.
Whisht! Lads, haad yor gobs,
An’ Aa’ll tell ye’s ‘boot the skwah.		It wuz the day when nuthin’ ‘appened
An ‘ad they aall be’aivd,
They’d aall escaped, an ower young man
Wud ’av lost out on his date.
If nuthin’ ‘appened on that day,
If they ‘ad aall be’aivd,
Then why not yak aboot the skwah
An tyen men who were there?

Whisht! Lads, haad yor gobs,
An Aa’ll tell ye’s aall an aaful story.
Whisht! Lads, haad yor gobs,
An’ Aa’ll tell ye’s ‘boot the skwah.

Noo if ye canna unnerstand
The werds that Aa’ve just said
Then speak to Jules aboot his werk
An to Greg’ry in ‘is stead.
For it is safe so much to say
But nuthin’ more, ye ken,
For if they mind of ower tale
They’ll hoy us in yon den

Noo lads, Aa’ll haad me gob,
That’s aall Aa knaa aboot the story
Ov ower skwah’s clivvor job
On’ that aaful Sun’y morn.

☺* At least it has if you are on CET, observing daylight saving, or on a more easterly time zone. For GMT users there are about 90 minutes to go 🙂

With apologies in advance for errors of syntax, orthography and grammar which may be found embedded in this document whether arising from oversight, incorrect application of language packs or generally any other misadventure; and in general for any offence given inadvertently or inappropriately or both taken or not taken by those whose sensibilities, whether grammatical, orthographical, moral or simply personable, have been offended whether, not or if you have not incorrectly misunderstood the content, intent, meaning and purpose of this article, and to those whose copyrights may have been inadvertently or wantonly infringed, but never as to cause damage the copy holder’s rights, and, if you have managed to read this far, for any errors or omissions whether wilful, unintended, innocent or deliberate in the content of this polemic, and with thanks to you who have made it thus far for your patience.

Lambton Worm

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Coco came across the Lambton Worm recently, in proper dialect sung in a wonnerful Geordie accent. It is a tale about a young squire who went fishing on a Sunday morning when he should not have done with terrible consequences for the people who lived on both sides of the Wear.

Apologies to those who understand neither spoken nor written Geordie. There is a partial transcription here, but if this works properly you shall see that embedded below in an iframe. Some words do still defeat Coco. Apologies to those who do speak and read Geordie also for orthographic, linguistic, dialectical, grammatical, innocent and deliberate errors. Please pay careful attention to the refrain, as it asks you to do.

Original Lambton wormTranscription
One Sunday morn young Lambton went
Afishing’ in the Wear;
An’ catched a fish upon he’s heuk,
He thowt leuk’t varry queer.
But whatt’n a kind of fish it was
Young Lambton cuddent tell.
He waddn’t fash te carry’d hyem,
So he hoyed it doon a well.

Whisht! Lads, haad yor gobs,
An Aa’ll tell ye’s aall an aaful story
Whisht! Lads, haad yor gobs,
An’ Aa’ll tell ye ‘boot the wohrm.

Noo Lambton felt inclined te gan
An’ fight i’ foreign wars.
he joined a troop o’ Knights that cared
For nowther woonds nor scars,
An’ off he went te Palestine
Where queer things him befel,
An’ varry seun forgat aboot
The queer wohrm i’ the well. Ref…

But the wohrm got fat an’ growed and’ growed
An’ growed an aaful size;
He’d greet big teeth, a greet big gob,
An’ greet big google eyes.
An’ when at neets he craaled aboot
Te pick up bits o’ news,
If he felt dry upon the road,
He milked a dozen coos. Ref…

This feorful wohrm wad often feed
On caalves an’ lambs an’ sheep,
An’ swally little bairns alive
When they laid doon te sleep.
An’ when he’d eaten aall he cud
An’ he had had he’s fill,
He craaled away an’ lapped he’s tail
Seven times roond Pensher Hill. Ref…

The news of this myest aaful wohrm
An’ his queer gannins on
Seun crossed the seas, gat te the ears
Ov brave and’ bowld Sor John.
So hyem he cam an’ catched the beast
An’ cut ‘im in twe haalves,
An’ that seun stopped he’s eatin’ bairns,
An’ sheep an’ lambs and caalves. Ref…

So noo ye knaa hoo aall the foaks
On byeth sides ov the Wear
Lost lots o’ sheep an’ lots o’ sleep
An’ leeved i’ mortal feor.
So let’s hev one te brave Sor John
That kept the bairns frae harm,
Saved coos an’ caalves by myekin’ haalves
O’ the famis Lambton Wohrm.

Noo lads, Aa’ll haad me gob,
That’s aall Aa knaa aboot the story
Ov Sor John’s clivvor job
Wi’ the aaful Lambton Wohrm.		One Sunday morn young Lambton went
Fishing in the Wear;
And caught a fish upon his hook,
He thought looked very queer.
But what kind of fish it was
Young Lambton could not tell.
He was not keen to carry it home,
So he hoyed it down a well.

Shush! Lads, hold your tongues,
And I’ll tell you all an awful story
Shush! Lads, hold your tongues,
And I’ll tell you about the worm.

Now Lambton felt inclined to go
And fight in foreign wars.
He joined a troop of Knights that cared
For neither wounds nor scars,
And off he went to Palestine
Where queer things him befell,
And very soon forgot about
The queer worm in the well. Ref.

But the worm grew fat and grew and grew
And grew to an awful size;
He’d great big teeth, a greet big mouth,
And great big googly eyes.
And when at night he crawled about
To pick up bits of news,
If he felt dry upon the road,
He milked a dozen cows. Ref.

This fearful worm would often feed
On calves and lambs and sheep,
And swallow little bairns alive
When they laid down to sleep.
And when he’d eaten all he could
And he had had his fill,
He crawled away and wrapped his tail
Seven times round Penshaw Hill. Ref.

The news of this most awful worm
And his queer goings on
Soon crossed the seas and to the ears
Of brave and bold Sir John.
So home he came and caught the beast
And cut him in two halves,
And that soon stopped him eating bairns,
And sheep and lambs and calves. Ref.

So now you know how all the folks
On both sides of the Wear
Lost lots of sheep and lots of sleep
And lived in mortal fear.
So let’s have a drink to brave Sir John
That kept the bairns from harm,
Saved cows and calves by making halves
Of the famous Lambton Worm.

Now lads, I’ll hold my tongue,
That’s all I know about the story
Of Sir John’s clever/cleaver* job
On the awful Lambton Worm.

Words: C M Leumane – Lambton Worm Music: C M Leumane
The copyright of this arrangement of the music for the Lambton Worm is held by The Mitford Family (© c.1984).
The Lambton Worm is a traditional song. This version was produced in the 19th century by Leumane. The transcription into standard English is mine. The singer in the Lambton Worm is, I think, Julie Mitford. You will find a reference to the song here, where she says Eventually you’ll be able to access all of the recordings for each album. The Worm is not yet on her blog, but I take it that she means it will become available as an mp3, in a similar manner to the other songs which she recorded with her father, and are already available.

Jubilate

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To honour a lady

Âðm I – ciphered

Pásh deeth awm pléatward bong
Máng moth awm láygum bong
Pásh deeth wa bong
Dénsh vore thob soónd add
Vikko inch plúno add
Máng saw kneel aýthan udd
Pásh deeth awm bong

Coco hopes you have been able to celebrate May 20th 2022 JC well. 69 years since the coronation of our Queen who is now in the seventy first year of her reign. Coco thought (oh no, you say, please do not think just write/right) to offer a little something also. It was about fifty one years ago that Coco was introduced to a J Longdon, a philosopher so he understood, by one of his school friends, Ray Tester, with whom he had spent many happy hours drinking jasmine tea, listening to Beethoven string quartets and discussing everything from Plato to Teilhard de Chardin passing through forbidden German territory on the way. Ray thought it was time Coco met a real philosopher. Among other things the said JL was working on an equation of the universe, a representation of which was noted in his diary, but the untidy scrawl renders it now illegible, and phonetic substitution as a ciphering technique.

Coco has long since lost touch with the two gentlemen, and has no idea who holds, if anyone, copyright on the words, rather phonemes written above, but as it is likely that if there is copyright it is on the far larger tome (have you ever known a philosopher who writes smaller tomes?) of which it is a part, and therefore this small extract is fair use, and serves to advertise the larger work, if only Coco knew what that was.

It is left to you dear reader to decipher the phonetic substitution, but if you need help it may be found here.

Copy write?

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Censorship to avoid censorship

According to my limited understanding of a judgement handed down in the US Supreme Court on Tuesday last, FaceBook, in the person of NetChoice, has argued that it is a publisher of the views that all of us express in that forum. That therefore seems to suggest that the views we are permitted to express are at the very least approved by, if not the official position of, FaceBook, on any matter on which we speak. Given the diversity of views expressed here one can only suggest that a house divided against itself cannot stand [for very long], for many views here expressed will contradict other views. Ah well, if you see any of my posts disappear, you will now understand why.

Of course, the argument is a double edged sword on which these companies may themselves fall, for if they are the publisher, not merely the soap box in the corner of the Park from which we may express our views, then they have additional responsibilities over what we say. If we violate copyright and they publish the material, then who is responsible? Is not the publisher the responsible person? I then for one can rest quietly over a potential copyright violation in recent days; though I hasten to add that I have sought all the necessary permissions.

Actually what they argued was expressed in this way: ‘it would be a violation of their right to free speech, which includes the freedom of private companies to decide what content to publish on their platforms, to require them not to censor any content.’ So they get to choose whether they will let us say what we want to say.

One problem with the judgement is that it lacks a reasoned explanation of the grounds on which it was made, so we do not know which of the arguments presented, if any at all, led the judges to reach their decision. The main document of No. 21A720 is fascinating but dense. There was no link to the judgement at the time I wrote this.

I should now stop digging and allow one of my Irish friends to correct me on every point that I have made in the most delightful and inimitable manner for which he/she is so well known.

Indented this 19th day of May 2022 (JC), but our ISP had a problem on that day so we are late. Two days have now to go unto the finale.

Dragons

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A suitably English dragon

Dragons as you will well know are not just part of Chinese culture, but very much here in the British Isles. There is of course the Welsh dragon, the dragon that lives in the Ness, St George and the dragon, and another English dragon to which I shall come shortly; if you know of other Scottish and Irish dragons, please do make a report here. There are dragons of course, which cannot be seen. They are the dragons of which we truly are afraid. We do not wish to hear of them, nor to speak of them. They may be part of our history which we wish to forget, but others wish to remember.

The other English dragon is of course the Lambton Worm. It may be called a worm, but that as you will see from its description is a typically English way of understating its stature. In this version it is sung by a young Julia Mitford, of whom you may have heard if you are over a certain youngish age, in a wonnerful Geordie accent, but you can read the words as it is sung. A translation is available for those who can neither speak nor read Geordie, just ask me for it. It is unlisted on YouTube here. I don’t yet have permission to use the singing, which is the best I have heard, yet, but have no reason to think that it will not be given. The song by the way does rather overstate the stature of the Whorm in the way that folk-lore often does.

This video is quite safe and as you shall understand later, presented here in order to provide a context for that which will be released in a few days time, written in the old style on this day the 18th May 2022.

Xenophobia of the worst kind

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What we learn from xenophobia

You probably all have some idea of the story of Jonah who was swallowed by a great fish. One of the problems with the popular story is that it leaves out Jonah’s xenophobia. Though xenophobia was unlikely to be a word that he knew, the idea of it was thoroughly encapsulated in phrases such as the Greeks and the Barbarians.

I listened to a discussion recently between JD(elingpole} and Maajid Nawaz. It appeared to be in a quiet library or reading room setting at first, but very quickly it became obvious that the setting was a set (a fake) and this was not so much a discussion but a playing to the audience. The audience’s responses were important cues to the two actors who were engaged in the play. An interesting point was made toward the end of the discussion by MW to the effect that all of the Bible stories are to be found in the Koran. That was a little ingenuous of the man, as it would be difficult to fit all of the stories of a book with c.750k words into a book with c100k without some considerable concision or redaction. I do not recall any reference to the Levite’s concubine but I may be wrong about that. Perhaps the author was right to suggest that the scriptures had been corrupted, though not perhaps in the way that he meant at that time, but rather like Caiaphas who prophesied the substitutionary death of the Lord Jesus Christ for sinners by words that he intended for another purpose.

So, when we look at the redacted version of Jonah, like the popular version, the xenophobia is omitted. Why is this so? Well, it does not appear to be in an effort to photoshop Jonah. Perhaps it is more to do with the contrast that Jonah’s story provides between Jonah’s xenophobia and the Lord’s benevolence. Jehovah, the Lord, is the God of Israel and he pronounces a judgement against Nineveh, who are the enemies of Israel, that they will be destroyed unless they repent. Why would a xenophobic Jonah not want to deliver such a message that the enemies of Israel will be destroyed?

If you know anything about Nineveh of Jonah’s day then you might say it was fear that kept him away. The Ninevites were a violent people. We talk of war crimes today; but they are nothing but littles scratches compared with the behaviour of these men. Boy racers beware; the boy racers of Nineveh had scythes attached to their wheels.

But it was not that kind of fear that kept Jonah away. It was a much greater fear than that. He feared the Lord. You say then, if he feared the Lord why did he not obey him. That is to misunderstand Jonah’s fear. Jonah knew that the promises to Israel through Abraham which were derived from the first promise to Adam, said that through Israel all the nations of the world would be blessed. Jonah also knew that the Lord was slow to anger, and did not want any to perish but rather to repent of their wicked ways. It was this he feared, that in preaching judgement and repentance the Ninevites would indeed be granted repentance by the Lord and would be saved. The judgement would not, at that time, fall. Jonah’s xenophobia did not want the Ninevites to be saved.

Jonah learned a lesson when he finally did as he had been told to do as the Ninevites did indeed repent. The Lord spared them. Jonah, having complained about the death of the vine that protected him from the heat of the sun, began to understand that the goodness of God is for all men. The covenants and the promises belong to Israel, but the benefit of them to the whole world. As a later prophet with a similar name would say: Behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world.

There is a sequel to the story of Nineveh, which is to be found in the prophecy of Micah who lived about 120 years later than Jonah. We shall speak of that another day.

Part II

Now none of this is to say that the redacted version is not of use. But we must be careful. Redaction may be used in a variety of ways; at the extremes we may use it to obscure the truth by removing relevant details or to reveal the truth by removing irrelevant material, or for some other purpose. So which redacted version do we mean? Well, there is only one, which is probably the part that most of us remember, that Jonah was in the belly of a great fish, sometimes called a whale (be careful here too as our scientific categories for sea creatures may not neatly fit into the categories of another age), for three days. The importance of this version is that it is a sign, or picture. The Lord Jesus Christ gave it to us: ‘No sign will be given to this generation except the sign of the prophet Jonah. For as Jonah was three days and three nights in the belly of the great fish, so will the Son of Man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth.’ Jesus spoke here about his death and three days in the grave followed by his resurrection.

This is important. Jonah’s disobedience provided the sign. It was after Jonah had been spewed out by the fish that he went to preach repentance to Nineveh. Ah, the Lord is good. He shows his kindness and willingness to forgive to all men in all ages. It was not until after the death and resurrection and resurrection of the Lord Jesus, after he had come out of the belly of the whale as it were, that repentance and salvation could be properly preached to all men. The sign of Jonah was necessary, because the death and resurrection of Jesus were necessary to procure the salvation of men.

Until Jesus had died, and paid the price of sin, men remained debtors to sin. But Jesus having died and paid the price men are free of debt. Before Jesus died for sin forgiveness was offered in the hope that another would pay the price as had been prophesied. After he had actually died the price had been paid. Justice had been done and God may now actually justify the sinner.

We do well to remember the story of Jonah for it tells us of the great mercy of God towards all nations, but even more the redacted version for it tells us that because of the death and resurrection of Jesus, God is just to forgive sinners, even those as wicked as you or me, and even those guilty of war crimes such as the Ninevites. If he will forgive the greatest of sinners, will he not forgive me if I come to him in the name of Jesus Christ to ask him?

Part III

The sequel is not easy reading. The grandparents and great-grandparents of the Ninevites of that day had repented at the preaching of Jonah, but when Micah pronounces judgement, they do not listen. Their position is far worse than that of the people of Jonah’s day. Their grandparents had not previously tasted the goodness of God, but this new generation knew of Jonah and of God’s goodness, but refused to listen. Their grandparents had some little excuse before Jonah arrived, but this generation has no excuse. They reject the message that they know is true.

It was the same in Jesus day: ‘No-one has authority to forgive sins but God’, they said, ‘but here is this man, Jesus, pronouncing forgiveness’. Jesus’s response to show that he has authority to forgive sins was to heal the man he forgave. On another occasion a rich young ruler, who should have known better, addresses him as ‘Good Master’. ‘Why do you call me good?’ the Lord asked, ‘No-one is good but God’. They knew. But they conspired to kill him, and in so doing secured the very thing that they sought to avoid. Jesus was obedient to the Father’s will, and paid the price, death, for sin but not his own rather ours, so that he may lawfully and justly pronounce the guilty sinner justified and free.

Is it not the same for us? The good news of forgiveness of sins is preached throughout the world, but many wilfully ignore it. Nineveh did not listen when the second prophet came. Will we listen to the Lord today?

Republic?

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When the heads are in the clouds

In many ways Coco prefers to stay out of politics, it is all too difficult and Coco rarely understands the arguments, but then so apparently does Republic. It is non-political. So, it is appropriate to comment then. One king was once told, ‘Obedience is better than sacrifice’. It is a word to which all kings, whether having the name king or some other epithet that is used to camouflage their aspirations to be king, should take heed. It was said of the Cretans that everyone of them wanted to be king, and of the Israelis in the time of the judges: ‘Every one did what was right in their own eyes. There was no king in Israel.’

When we look into the word of God we find that no form of civil government is approved by him than a monarchy, and even that was second best. Samuel spoke to them on the occasion of the coronation of the first king of Israel: ‘See .. your wickedness, which you have done in the sight of the Lord in asking a king for yourselves, is great, [for] the Lord your God was your king.’ The Lord gave them a king. Moses had warned them of the consequences of choosing a king for themselves, that they would groan under the burden of him.

But because of our condition which makes what Coco said in the first paragraph true, it is necessary to order civil society. How should it be ordered? Republic think it should not be a monarchy, but if you read what they have written, then it should become obvious to you that everything that they want, apart from one thing to which Coco shall come shortly, can be obtained simply be restoring to the Monarch that which parliament has subtly taken away over many years.

Why, and how have they taken away the very necessary powers of the head of state? By the very simple cry, ‘We have been elected. It is the will of the people.’ What then will we hear if, as they want, there is an elected head of state? ‘I have been elected. It is the will of the people.’ What sort of power grabs will we face then? We see it in many republics. Does Coco need to name any? They are in all six continents perhaps yet save one, but Coco is not sure where the border is between the fifth and the sixth (and Coco is not talking about the 49th parallel).

It is good that Republic raise the question, however, even though they have their head in the clouds. As Brecht said once: His economics is good, but he takes no account of human nature. And as he said it in German, it is impossible to say he has been misquoted, though Coco would accept a charge of producing a poor translation. In order to avoid the problem of our human nature, which makes us all want to be kings even if we are not Cretans, it is far better to have a head of state who is not chosen. He is king who was born to it, therefore he does not wield power because he has been given it by others for himself as so many so called kings and presidents do, but because he inherited it and having inherited it he must also pass on his inheritance to another to use for the benefit and good of the people over whom he rules, his subjects, with honesty, integrity, transparency and accountability.

Our monarchy may not be perfect, but then neither are you, nor Coco, are we? But it is better than many possible alternatives, and certainly better than their proposal. You see everything that they say they want can be obtained without an elected head of state. Does Coco suggest then that they construct their argument ingenuously simply because they dislike the idea of privilege? But it is the very privilege that they dislike that protects us from electing, inflicting upon ourselves, a man who only wants to be there for the power it gives him. Coco leaves it to you, dear reader, to answer the question.

To return to Israel, the first king was a failure. He thought little of obedience, perhaps it could be said that honesty, integrity, transparency and accountability were also absent in his rule, but Coco shall leave another to set out the theses and antitheses for that. The Lord then chose a king for them and promised that one of his line would come who would be the true king who would rule in righteousness, a man in whom honesty, integrity, transparency and accountability (yes, accountability too), would always be found and never not be found. That man came and they would not submit to his rule. His kingdom is not of this world he told the man who had power to condemn him to execution on a cross, but God confirmed that he is indeed king by raising him from the dead. One day we shall see him return in power, and all shall bow the knee to him and acknowledge that he is Lord, the true king. ‘Come to me all you who labour and are heavy laden’, he calls , ‘my yoke is easy and my burden is light’. This king came not to be served, but to serve, and whilst he is due all worship honour and praise, it is clear that his rule will always be for the benefit and good of his people: ‘Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.’

May you find, in this year of Jubilee, find rest for your souls.

Proscription

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Happy new year to y’all. Well, at least in the UK it is for corporation tax. Income tax customers have to wait another five days for their new year.

We are presently in a period of grace granted by the EU, so I understand, for green and blue. My step-grandfather was a seaman and had tattoos, the outlines of which were still discernible though quite shadowy or blurred by the time I was old enough to even take any notice of them.

The EU are rightly concerned about the injection of hazardous substances into the skin (https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-59871779), even the topical application of some substances, such as polonium, is exceedingly dangerous though no one has suggested that that is in common use. The EU are more concerned about alcohols like isopropanol. I had a look at the list here: https://echa.europa.eu/substances-restricted-under-reach

I was interested to find creosote in the list. I can now either stop looking for it or expect it to reappear in the hardware stores; I am not sure which yet, it may become a totem of distinction from the EU or a sop at upholding their standards. I was rather surprised that polonium was not on the list, or perhaps I missed it.

You may have read, some years ago (I think it was late 20th century), of an alternative to tattoos which had been proposed by a number of French chemists who had worked with goldfish. They were looking into chemical substitution, a technique which was just becoming viable as we were discovering ways in which individual molecules could be manipulated. There were reports of some successful substitutions to produce blues, reds and whites but the techniques then were far too imprecise. It really was like using a sledgehammer to crack a nut, except that the nut could not be seen when viewed in the same frame as the head of the hammer. [I really liked the idea of new simile, coined in January, of using a fighting elephant to crush a flea, used by a certain Eastern country of a Western one, but realised, having attempted to crush fleas myself, that the flea is likely to be not at all perturbed about being underneath an elephant’s foot. It will just wait for the foot to move and .. Ping! Back to work mate]. However, though the work was abandoned for a time better techniques, which were developed for the sequencing of biologic molecules, and the ability to model in 3D the structures of complex organic molecules, led to the ability to manipulate these. To be able to cut threads of complex polymers and insert alien modules was the step that was required, which led to genetic modification. I would like to enter into a discussion here about the differences between genetic modification and selective breeding for they are often conflated by some who have an axe to grind, but this is not the place to do so, so I shall refrain from following my desire to do so. The ability to modify living organic material revived the ideas of chemical substitution, but now not so much with the single atom in mind but rather a sequence of coding modules in DNA. Melanin production in the subcutaneous skin is controlled by the chemical responses of these biologic structures to sunlight. The question was asked whether this could be modified in some specific ways.

Research began, as always by giving PhD students the dirty work without telling them what the real end game is, otherwise they might get the academic credit instead of you. It was quite difficult, but slowly a picture began to emerge of the processes involved, the active regions of the genome and how the differences between racial skin types affected discolouration. The real work then began, can modifications be made to change the responses of the skin? This was all hidden under the guise of finding better protections for skin from UV damage, which then attracted significant funding, though not widely publicised for fear of damaging the value of their own products, from cosmetic manufacturers. There were some small successes; limited areas little more than spots could be changed, but any increase in melanin production may have beneficial effects, and if the changes were enduring may afford better protection from UV damage.

The work continued, with the cosmetic industry involved in this clandestine work it was rather harder to do what they really wanted to do, to see if patterns could be created firstly with melanin, but also could different coloured responses be produced – greens and reds perhaps? This required work not only into the production of melanin but other colourful organics like hæmoglobin and the non active elements of chlorophyll. Some of this was quite risky as it was well known that the really vibrant colours of arsenic green, cobalt blue, cæsium orange and lead red were quite toxic in the human body, but it was also understood that if these were firmly locked into structures that the body itself produced it was unlikely that they would be broken down thus releasing the toxic components into the body where they could do damage.

This was likened to the way that a tattoo remains in situ. The tissues that contain the tattoo are renewed and worked continually, but the tattoo itself essentially retains its structure undisturbed over many years. Would this sort of thing be possible with the modified tissues? It would take years to find out of course in real human subjects, and would they get permission to try it? So they had then to find an animal with a sufficiently high metabolic rate that what would take several years in a human body may only take months. Hummingbirds were an obvious candidate, but the plumage was a problem (not to mention a certain amount of a good dose of sentimentality over using such a pretty bird in this way), so a separate programme was set up to understand the elements of the genome that controlled metabolic rates, and consider whether the appropriate factors could be introduced into the rat genome to enhance it. This was a fascinating work, and they soon discovered much more about the interrelatedness of the body’s functions though not really understanding what was actually going on. The work was being done however not with a view to understanding, that could come later, but simply to engineer the genome in the required way. Eventually, they made sufficient progress and upon seeing one of the first successfully enhanced rats, that one of the team remarked that it was as well they had not been working on bats else the simile ‘like a bat out of..’ would take on quite a different meaning.

It was the likeness to the tattoo that solved their second problem, though that could not be revealed at this stage. The result of the tattoo artist’s work produces an analogue design, but the tool is a needle inserted at discrete points. This pixelated approach could be used for the genetic modifications of the skin. They also realised that this greatly enhanced the variety of colouration that was possible. It was thought that they then needed to find three modifications that produced the tricolour of ‘primary’ colours (like RGB or CMY). A larger palette of colours would be more useful, but much more difficult to handle. The reduced palette however allowed them to, at least initially, remove the more potentially dangerous modifications for the really vibrant colours aforementioned.

The results on the rats were promising. The modifications did remain in situ over the rats, admittedly short and rather shortened lifetimes, and did not seem to have any adverse effects. Would the modifications endure in much longer living organisms? The programme would take five to ten years, and the subjects would be pigs. In the meantime work continued on the rats into production of different colours and patterns, mostly using simply blue, white and red stripes to check alignments and later some quite simple images where colours were mixed producing some remarkable results.

The researchers started to draw up business plans, but they new they would have to wait before going public for the work on the pigs to conclude, and for no epidemic of swine flu to break out in their subjects.

Leaving the laboratory, April, one of the team working with the rats, noticed that there was a new prominent notice on the tattoo parlour on the other side of the road. The notice declared in quite clear terms (as you might expect) their sentiments concerning the EU ink ban, and the devastating impact upon the ‘industry’ and artists who work in it, and then went on to announce a new service. They acknowledged that the vibrancy of tattoos would be damaged by the new rules, and that this may have a significant impact upon the self-esteem of those who wished to be painted. They also acknowledged that some of the substitute inks that they would be permitted to use had the blurring and shadowing issues seen in many older people who had been painted many years earlier. April thought that it was good to read such an honest admission of what is generally known but rarely acknowledged. The notice then went on to describe the new service. The parlour was going to specialise, and would become a post-mortem tattoo parlour for those who want a tattoo to look its best at the end, not just at the beginning. They knew how disappointed many people felt years after their tattoo that it was not what it was. The notice encouraged those who wished to be painted to wait. They could still book their slot and pay a deposit now, with the balance to be paid just before the work was done. They would be assured that the tattoo would be of the highest quality, and would not be subject to the EU rules limiting the inks that could be used. They were promised that cobalt blue, arsenic green, cæsium orange and red lead would be used if required with some even more exotic options of radium blue, promethium and tritium greens for those who wished to be seen in dimmer lighting. They would be provided with digitally produced images of the finished work to show to friends before the work had been done, and would have the guarantee that it would not fade, nor blur nor shadow. Provision would be made, in conjunction with the undertakers for the tattoo to be displayed in a most sensitive and respectful way possible, prior to cremation or burial as appropriate. A footnote informed readers that the use of radium blue would not be permitted where a cremation was to follow.

April was about to go into the shop to find out what they meant when she realised that that was some kind of joke and stormed off, annoyed that it was not the first time she had been fooled into wasting her time reading such things.

Water

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The penalties for disobedience

Apparently water refuses to obey the rules. It is one minute and three seconds in here:
BBC teaching video: Why water is one of the weirdest things in the universe
Does this not mean that there is something wrong somewhere? Apparently water is made up of two very light chemicals, hydrogen and oxygen and the rules say that…Coco shall not repeat the obvious mistake.

In many way perhaps Coco should not be surprised at the attitude shown here. You may have heard, or read, elsewhere about two exceedingly dangerous chemicals chlorine, a gas, and sodium, a metal. You would not want to find yourself in an atmosphere of chlorine otherwise known as mustard gas. It was used with terrible effect in WWI. Nor would you want to be near neat sodium, especially if there were any water (so we come back to water) in the vicinity. Water and sodium do not get on very well. Sodium will rip the water apart releasing hydrogen whilst hydrolising itself. The heat generated will melt the sodium and ignite the hydrogen in the atmospheric oxygen, thus producing water again. You may get hurt.

But we are told that if you burn sodium in an atmosphere of chlorine then you will obtain nothing more potent than table salt.

Is that not wonderful, two dangerous chemicals produce, in combination, a substance that is essential to, at least some forms of, life? But wait a moment, please, is not the combination also a dangerous substance? A lethal dose may be as low as 25g. Please do not mistake salt for sugar. Even dissolved in water brine can cause a prophylactic shock when ingested.

The headline, Sodium and chlorine made safe (in table salt) is a much better strap line than Sodium and Chlorine when combined produce sodium chloride, with a discussion of the uses and dangers of the novel compound.

And so, Water does not obey the normal rules is a strap line that grabs the attention. It is thought better to say this than to say that Water demonstrates the inadequacy of our understanding of chemistry. That is a turn off, is it not? Even worse to say, In order to understand the behaviour of water, we must understand something of the nature of the hydrogen bonds within it.

How arrogant we are! Surely the rules are not set by us. We may be able to formulate them, but the rules are set in the world around us, and all of creation obeys those rules. Water certainly does obey the rules in every way. By the oxidisation of hydrogen, hydrogen and oxygen become water, with all of the properties that belong to water. If this substance water does not follow the rules of our chemistry, then that can only mean one thing: the rules of our chemistry are inaccurate, inadequate or simply wrong. They are out of line with the rules of the chemistry of this world. And if our rules are wrong for water, for what other compounds are they wrong? In what ways are other compounds going to surprise us when they behave in unexpected ways because they do not obey the rules that we have defined?

Surely, we should not be so arrogant, but humbly bow before the Maker of all things, who alone knows fully, and accurately, all of the rules that he has set for the operation of every element and every possible combination of those elements in this vast universe.

If the phenomenon does not accord with our understanding, we do not dismiss the phenomenon, but rather our understanding. As James Clerk Maxwell said to the one Bishop ‘..in accordance with the science of 1876 (which may not agree with that of 1896) it would be very tempting to say that … but I should be very sorry if an interpretation founded on a most conjectural scientific hypothesis were to get fastened to a text .. the rate of change of scientific hypothesis is naturally much more rapid than that of Biblical interpretation, so that if an interpretation is founded upon such an hypothesis, it may help to keep the hypothesis above ground long after it ought to be buried and forgotten.’ How truly did he speak.

Apologies to my chemical friends for any exaggeration, inaccurate or otherwise erroneous descriptions contained in this article. Coco sees that it is not just the BBC that has this false view.

Snowflake

Nobody

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Nobody has hosted a project a nobody.purechocolate.org.uk.

Register your interest here, or continue going nowhere, finding something else not to do.

Coco may add to this block, on the other hand it may just sit here doing as much as any other block does.