Humour

The lack of an English government

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It is over three hundred years since Royal Assent has been denied in the UK, and that as it happens was a Scottish issue. It has been denied since then, though not in the UK, the consequences of which these three nations and the rest of the world live to this day. This is the story of knowing when to pick a fight that you cannot lose in order to win a fight that you cannot win. It will not amuse everyone, and if you are offended, please accept my apologies. No offence is intended, but it can easily be taken, but you are free not to read on, so remember, if you have been offended it is merely because your own eyes have drawn you on in this most charming of encounters.

It happened in private of course but the conversation was along these lines, being translated for yours faithfully for the most part into English from the original Scots, except where English English simply fails to have any equivalent expression:

FM: We are all perfectly aware that England is going to object to our decolonisation proposals so we shall have to be bold. We have had one referendum, but as they have moved the goal posts against the wishes of the Scottish people we can and must propose to hold another.

MSP1: They won’t let us do that.

FM: We shall have one nevertheless.

MsP2: They shall send the matter to the courts which will not go well for us.

FM: Let them try.

Months later

MSP1: It is just as we warned FM. The Supreme Court has ruled that to legislate for a further referendum be outwith our powers; if only we still had the Lords. Now Lord Denning, he would have been cavalier enough to have supported us.

FM: We have other options. Our resources are not exhausted.

MSP2: Are you suggesting a general election? We’ll be out as quick as a dram in the bishop’s tulip.

MSP1: No, she means we’ll pick a fight with Westminster that we cannot lose.

MSP3: Precisely, the gender reform bill: just look at the opposition to it, but we know who wants it and what big mouths they have. Even though we all know that it goes too far, we can push it through here.

MSP2: Westminster won’t like that, it runs roughshod over too much of their equality legislation. It will not get Royal Assent. They’ll block it.

FM: Precisely! Then we can accuse them of using gender as a political weapon insinuating that this is the first of many ways in which they will emasculate the sovereignty of our Parliament.

MSP2: That way public opinion will be on our side. We won’t need to say much, the big mouths will not need our help to show that the English cannot overrule the Scots Parliament.

MSP1: So they will back down on gender reform?

MSP2: No, don’t you see? She’s a cannier lass than that.

FM: We compromise on equality and get a referendum.

MSP (from the backbench): but eerhm, gender, political weapons, if I may ask, isn’t that what you have just….[garbled noises emanating as from one recently subject to an uninvited attack on his person. ]

Ah, the perils of these so-called modern (post-modern) days. Do the right thing and you shall be pilloried. Do the wrong thing and what happens? You shall be pilloried. Well, if pilloried either way…

Finally, at last you say, I do wonder how we could ever be post-modern, for if modern is à la mode, today, the post-modern must be tomorrow, and we are never in tomorrow it is always just around the corner waiting for us, but I guess that in this modern post-modern world where words mean whatever Tweedeldee and Tweedeldum want them to mean we just have to accept it for what it is not. Which reminds me, a friend today remarked on an email into which I had copied him, to say that the recipient and the sender appeared to be one and the same. Oh no, I clarified for him, they were two entirely different legal persons, who simply happened to occupy the same body. The correct pronouns, articles etc are they and its derivatives. Forget ye not.

Editors

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There is increasing evidence that the editor no longer reads the articles placed in the newspaper critically. Sometimes the most obvious mistakes are made, up with which the later Sir Winston would not have put but which featured often in the Grauniad. Take this as a recent example:

“Up to half of people died when the Black Death swept through Europe in the mid-1300s.”

I wondered whether the editor had read the title, saw who wrote it and concluded that having obtained his own degree at the LSE he would not have a hope of understanding what the gentleman scientist had said so simply signed it off. Perhaps the words following ‘A pioneering study analysing the DNA…’ confirmed him in his misconception.

However, such mistakes are evident even to the man on the Clapham omnibus to whom the learned judge appealed, and are just as likely to appear in the work of this uneditored writer as in that which has passed the mis-scrutiny of the most eagle-eyed editor when presented with academic superiority. ‘Trust the science’ we have often been told of what was heralded as a new Black Death, but as the ASA has noted recently in relation to the green-washing of a bank without borders, it is possible to present the science without disclosing all of the relevant and material facts.

Now I am sure you have seen the obvious mistake that the editor missed, but did you see the second? The context of the article is Europe, so we do not need to consider death rates outside Europe, which may have been more or, it is thought perhaps, less than that among Europeans. There is a missing article in the sentence; possibly also a qualifier, and adjective or adjectival phrase, for the word people which would be helpful towards the understanding of what is said.

But the second mistake is perhaps even more clear: that there are no survivors today of the Black Death that swept through Europe in the 14th century, tells us quite clearly that all of the people of Europe have died who lived in the time of the Black Death. It was not simply half of them, and in the manner of counting deaths from the recent plague, all of them having had contact with the Black Death and were therefore Black Death deaths.

Science is useful, but when you hear the words ‘Trust the science’, ask: Which science? The science of yesterday, of today or of tomorrow? Let the scientist remember that the science of today is often overturned by that of tomorrow. Is the certainty of what science says 5%, 70% or 95% ? But as every man who goes into a betting shop knows, even a cert (100%) does not win every race.

But there is one who is the same yesterday, today and forever. Do not be carried about with various and strange doctrines). He may be trusted when he speaks, so when you hear his voice do not harden your hearts against him. Jesus cries out: Come to me all who labour and are heavy laden, and I shall give you rest. We of today must all die as those of the 14th century did, but he has overcome death by giving his own life on a cross, and as he rose from the dead, he shall raise us from the dead when he comes again.

Trust the science, but know its limits, and do not be carried about with various and strange ideas that are like shifting sands. But better trust Jesus who said: Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will by no means pass away.

Cancelled too

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The Lady of Heaven cancelled after protests.

Well that was not exactly the title of the article, but it will do. Do you remember the Jesus Christ Superstar, Life of Brian and other such protests? Paul said: If any one preaches a gospel other than we have preached let him be anathema. Just for the avoidance of doubt anathema is a Greek word which roughly translated means accursed. It is very clear that blasphemy is a great evil. But, unlike truth of which there can be only one (there are not contradictory truths), your blasphemy may not be my blasphemy. Coco may speak against the Queen of Heaven because Coco identifies her as a different person than you would. Another may deny the divinity of Jesus Christ, but, unless he openly claims to be an Arian, he is not speaking of the same Jesus of whom Coco would speak.

Secondly, Paul said ‘For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the [the ways of this world]. For the weapons of our warfare are not [of this world – swords, spears and as we would add guns] but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God’ Jesus himself said ‘My kingdom is not of this world. If it were my followers would take up the sword.’ From this we learn that however much another may offend us by what they say we are not to lift up the sword or issue threats of harm against them. If we did then we should expect the censure of the civil authorities to fall upon us.

Of course it is open to us to refuse to participate in the games, or to watch or allow to be shown in our own houses those things which we consider to be blasphemous, just as EMI pulled the funding of Life of Brian when they realised what it really was. George Harrison, so Coco understands, stepped in to pay for it.

So why was the Lady of Heaven cancelled? ‘To ensure the safety of our staff and customers.’ is given as the reason. That can only mean that threats, which should be referred to the civil authority for investigation, were issued. It was not cancelled because it was blasphemous, whatever that may mean in this case, nor because the owners of the venues thought it was inappropriate material. How sad this is. It was said by another (Baroness Claire Fox): the ‘same ‘I Find that Offensive’ cancel culture arguments [are] now being used far beyond campus activism. [It is] disastrous for the arts, dangerous for free speech, [and] a lesson to those who argue identity politics are no threat to democracy,’ Just because you find it offensive, does not make it offensive. When the little child watches 23 men on a green field and declares: ‘It’s boring’, it is not that it is not boring; he is bored. If you are offended and 99,999 are not, just get on with life, and they will get on with theirs, and say to themselves: ‘One day, kid, you won’t be bored.’

Just to be clear, Coco is not suggesting that the safety of staff and customers is not important. It is, but the threat to their safety did not arise from anything that the theatre was doing, it came from outside and outwith their control and was in itself unlawful.

So to conclude, if the lady concerned is as virtuous as claimed her character in itself will give the lie to all attempts to besmirch her reputation if that is what this film is. Since the beginning Satan has foul mouthed the Word of God. ‘Has God said?’ is the first thing we hear from his mouth. Does it surprise you that he continues to this very day to do so? But he cannot be fought with sword or gun, and threats do not move him. We must contend against him in the power of God, casting down his arguments, contradictory truths, and lies to expose the pride with which he exalts himself against the knowledge of God in Jesus Christ.

Harrison was right here: ‘back in 1966, Harrison was unruffled. “Why is there all this stuff about blasphemy?” he asked in the Evening Standard. “If Christianity is as good as they say it is, it should stand up to a bit of discussion.” Evidently, he still held that opinion when Idle asked for a little help from his friend.’

The corollary is also true: if a religion is not as good as they say, it will not stand up to any discussion. It is perhaps no wonder they wish to silence those with whom they disagree.

An auspicious date

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Nothing happened

The day has arrived*; the dragons are unleashed. How excited are you? Two bank holidays and a weekend, and still it is May the twenty second for some. It is time to reveal the finale, having come across Lambton Worm, a tale about a young squire who went fishing on a Sunday morn when he should not have done with terrible consequences for the people who lived on both sides of the Wear, Coco thought Coco would paraphrase some of it with another dragon tale about a different young squire (young ‘un) in a not so proper dialect sung in an awful Geordie accent.

I would find it hard to think that anyone would take offence at the content of the video (you have been warned), but should you find that the link has been broken, there is a back up copy here: http://purechocolate.org.uk/music_other/auspiciousday.htm.

Apologies to those who understand neither spoken nor written Geordie. There is a partial transcription here, but if this works properly you shall see that embedded below in an iframe. Some words do still defeat Coco. Apologies to those who do speak and read Geordie also for orthographic, linguistic, dialectical, grammatical, innocent and deliberate errors. You’ll also find a link to the original Lambton Worm in the same place. Please pay careful attention to the refrain, as it asks you to do.

In nineteen hundred an eighty nine
On May the twenty second
A young ‘un walked into a skwah
For a most auspicious date.
It wuz the day when nuthin’ ‘appened
But George the third wuz born.
It wuz the day they aall escaped
From Dunkirk where they’d aall gan.

Whisht! Lads, haad yor gobs,
An aa’ll tell ye’s aall an aaful story.
Whisht! Lads, haad yor gobs,
An’ aa’ll tell ye’s ‘boot the skwah.

It wuz the day they aall be’aivd
An brought to end the war,
An the Treaty of Trianon was signed
Which left sum very sore.
It wuz the day when Tonga’s king
Gave up his protection.
They joined the Commonwealth, ye ken,
In nineteen seventy nun.

Whisht! Lads, haad yor gobs,
An Aa’ll tell ye’s aall an aaful story.
Whisht! Lads, haad yor gobs,
An’ Aa’ll tell ye’s ‘boot the skwah.		It wuz the day when nuthin’ ‘appened
An ‘ad they aall be’aivd,
They’d aall escaped, an ower young man
Wud ’av lost out on his date.
If nuthin’ ‘appened on that day,
If they ‘ad aall be’aivd,
Then why not yak aboot the skwah
An tyen men who were there?

Whisht! Lads, haad yor gobs,
An Aa’ll tell ye’s aall an aaful story.
Whisht! Lads, haad yor gobs,
An’ Aa’ll tell ye’s ‘boot the skwah.

Noo if ye canna unnerstand
The werds that Aa’ve just said
Then speak to Jules aboot his werk
An to Greg’ry in ‘is stead.
For it is safe so much to say
But nuthin’ more, ye ken,
For if they mind of ower tale
They’ll hoy us in yon den

Noo lads, Aa’ll haad me gob,
That’s aall Aa knaa aboot the story
Ov ower skwah’s clivvor job
On’ that aaful Sun’y morn.

☺* At least it has if you are on CET, observing daylight saving, or on a more easterly time zone. For GMT users there are about 90 minutes to go 🙂

With apologies in advance for errors of syntax, orthography and grammar which may be found embedded in this document whether arising from oversight, incorrect application of language packs or generally any other misadventure; and in general for any offence given inadvertently or inappropriately or both taken or not taken by those whose sensibilities, whether grammatical, orthographical, moral or simply personable, have been offended whether, not or if you have not incorrectly misunderstood the content, intent, meaning and purpose of this article, and to those whose copyrights may have been inadvertently or wantonly infringed, but never as to cause damage the copy holder’s rights, and, if you have managed to read this far, for any errors or omissions whether wilful, unintended, innocent or deliberate in the content of this polemic, and with thanks to you who have made it thus far for your patience.

Lambton Worm

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Coco came across the Lambton Worm recently, in proper dialect sung in a wonnerful Geordie accent. It is a tale about a young squire who went fishing on a Sunday morning when he should not have done with terrible consequences for the people who lived on both sides of the Wear.

Apologies to those who understand neither spoken nor written Geordie. There is a partial transcription here, but if this works properly you shall see that embedded below in an iframe. Some words do still defeat Coco. Apologies to those who do speak and read Geordie also for orthographic, linguistic, dialectical, grammatical, innocent and deliberate errors. Please pay careful attention to the refrain, as it asks you to do.

Original Lambton wormTranscription
One Sunday morn young Lambton went
Afishing’ in the Wear;
An’ catched a fish upon he’s heuk,
He thowt leuk’t varry queer.
But whatt’n a kind of fish it was
Young Lambton cuddent tell.
He waddn’t fash te carry’d hyem,
So he hoyed it doon a well.

Whisht! Lads, haad yor gobs,
An Aa’ll tell ye’s aall an aaful story
Whisht! Lads, haad yor gobs,
An’ Aa’ll tell ye ‘boot the wohrm.

Noo Lambton felt inclined te gan
An’ fight i’ foreign wars.
he joined a troop o’ Knights that cared
For nowther woonds nor scars,
An’ off he went te Palestine
Where queer things him befel,
An’ varry seun forgat aboot
The queer wohrm i’ the well. Ref…

But the wohrm got fat an’ growed and’ growed
An’ growed an aaful size;
He’d greet big teeth, a greet big gob,
An’ greet big google eyes.
An’ when at neets he craaled aboot
Te pick up bits o’ news,
If he felt dry upon the road,
He milked a dozen coos. Ref…

This feorful wohrm wad often feed
On caalves an’ lambs an’ sheep,
An’ swally little bairns alive
When they laid doon te sleep.
An’ when he’d eaten aall he cud
An’ he had had he’s fill,
He craaled away an’ lapped he’s tail
Seven times roond Pensher Hill. Ref…

The news of this myest aaful wohrm
An’ his queer gannins on
Seun crossed the seas, gat te the ears
Ov brave and’ bowld Sor John.
So hyem he cam an’ catched the beast
An’ cut ‘im in twe haalves,
An’ that seun stopped he’s eatin’ bairns,
An’ sheep an’ lambs and caalves. Ref…

So noo ye knaa hoo aall the foaks
On byeth sides ov the Wear
Lost lots o’ sheep an’ lots o’ sleep
An’ leeved i’ mortal feor.
So let’s hev one te brave Sor John
That kept the bairns frae harm,
Saved coos an’ caalves by myekin’ haalves
O’ the famis Lambton Wohrm.

Noo lads, Aa’ll haad me gob,
That’s aall Aa knaa aboot the story
Ov Sor John’s clivvor job
Wi’ the aaful Lambton Wohrm.		One Sunday morn young Lambton went
Fishing in the Wear;
And caught a fish upon his hook,
He thought looked very queer.
But what kind of fish it was
Young Lambton could not tell.
He was not keen to carry it home,
So he hoyed it down a well.

Shush! Lads, hold your tongues,
And I’ll tell you all an awful story
Shush! Lads, hold your tongues,
And I’ll tell you about the worm.

Now Lambton felt inclined to go
And fight in foreign wars.
He joined a troop of Knights that cared
For neither wounds nor scars,
And off he went to Palestine
Where queer things him befell,
And very soon forgot about
The queer worm in the well. Ref.

But the worm grew fat and grew and grew
And grew to an awful size;
He’d great big teeth, a greet big mouth,
And great big googly eyes.
And when at night he crawled about
To pick up bits of news,
If he felt dry upon the road,
He milked a dozen cows. Ref.

This fearful worm would often feed
On calves and lambs and sheep,
And swallow little bairns alive
When they laid down to sleep.
And when he’d eaten all he could
And he had had his fill,
He crawled away and wrapped his tail
Seven times round Penshaw Hill. Ref.

The news of this most awful worm
And his queer goings on
Soon crossed the seas and to the ears
Of brave and bold Sir John.
So home he came and caught the beast
And cut him in two halves,
And that soon stopped him eating bairns,
And sheep and lambs and calves. Ref.

So now you know how all the folks
On both sides of the Wear
Lost lots of sheep and lots of sleep
And lived in mortal fear.
So let’s have a drink to brave Sir John
That kept the bairns from harm,
Saved cows and calves by making halves
Of the famous Lambton Worm.

Now lads, I’ll hold my tongue,
That’s all I know about the story
Of Sir John’s clever/cleaver* job
On the awful Lambton Worm.

Words: C M Leumane – Lambton Worm Music: C M Leumane
The copyright of this arrangement of the music for the Lambton Worm is held by The Mitford Family (© c.1984).
The Lambton Worm is a traditional song. This version was produced in the 19th century by Leumane. The transcription into standard English is mine. The singer in the Lambton Worm is, I think, Julie Mitford. You will find a reference to the song here, where she says Eventually you’ll be able to access all of the recordings for each album. The Worm is not yet on her blog, but I take it that she means it will become available as an mp3, in a similar manner to the other songs which she recorded with her father, and are already available.

Jubilate

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To honour a lady

Âðm I – ciphered

Pásh deeth awm pléatward bong
Máng moth awm láygum bong
Pásh deeth wa bong
Dénsh vore thob soónd add
Vikko inch plúno add
Máng saw kneel aýthan udd
Pásh deeth awm bong

Coco hopes you have been able to celebrate May 20th 2022 JC well. 69 years since the coronation of our Queen who is now in the seventy first year of her reign. Coco thought (oh no, you say, please do not think just write/right) to offer a little something also. It was about fifty one years ago that Coco was introduced to a J Longdon, a philosopher so he understood, by one of his school friends, Ray Tester, with whom he had spent many happy hours drinking jasmine tea, listening to Beethoven string quartets and discussing everything from Plato to Teilhard de Chardin passing through forbidden German territory on the way. Ray thought it was time Coco met a real philosopher. Among other things the said JL was working on an equation of the universe, a representation of which was noted in his diary, but the untidy scrawl renders it now illegible, and phonetic substitution as a ciphering technique.

Coco has long since lost touch with the two gentlemen, and has no idea who holds, if anyone, copyright on the words, rather phonemes written above, but as it is likely that if there is copyright it is on the far larger tome (have you ever known a philosopher who writes smaller tomes?) of which it is a part, and therefore this small extract is fair use, and serves to advertise the larger work, if only Coco knew what that was.

It is left to you dear reader to decipher the phonetic substitution, but if you need help it may be found here.

Copy write?

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Censorship to avoid censorship

According to my limited understanding of a judgement handed down in the US Supreme Court on Tuesday last, FaceBook, in the person of NetChoice, has argued that it is a publisher of the views that all of us express in that forum. That therefore seems to suggest that the views we are permitted to express are at the very least approved by, if not the official position of, FaceBook, on any matter on which we speak. Given the diversity of views expressed here one can only suggest that a house divided against itself cannot stand [for very long], for many views here expressed will contradict other views. Ah well, if you see any of my posts disappear, you will now understand why.

Of course, the argument is a double edged sword on which these companies may themselves fall, for if they are the publisher, not merely the soap box in the corner of the Park from which we may express our views, then they have additional responsibilities over what we say. If we violate copyright and they publish the material, then who is responsible? Is not the publisher the responsible person? I then for one can rest quietly over a potential copyright violation in recent days; though I hasten to add that I have sought all the necessary permissions.

Actually what they argued was expressed in this way: ‘it would be a violation of their right to free speech, which includes the freedom of private companies to decide what content to publish on their platforms, to require them not to censor any content.’ So they get to choose whether they will let us say what we want to say.

One problem with the judgement is that it lacks a reasoned explanation of the grounds on which it was made, so we do not know which of the arguments presented, if any at all, led the judges to reach their decision. The main document of No. 21A720 is fascinating but dense. There was no link to the judgement at the time I wrote this.

I should now stop digging and allow one of my Irish friends to correct me on every point that I have made in the most delightful and inimitable manner for which he/she is so well known.

Indented this 19th day of May 2022 (JC), but our ISP had a problem on that day so we are late. Two days have now to go unto the finale.

Dragons

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A suitably English dragon

Dragons as you will well know are not just part of Chinese culture, but very much here in the British Isles. There is of course the Welsh dragon, the dragon that lives in the Ness, St George and the dragon, and another English dragon to which I shall come shortly; if you know of other Scottish and Irish dragons, please do make a report here. There are dragons of course, which cannot be seen. They are the dragons of which we truly are afraid. We do not wish to hear of them, nor to speak of them. They may be part of our history which we wish to forget, but others wish to remember.

The other English dragon is of course the Lambton Worm. It may be called a worm, but that as you will see from its description is a typically English way of understating its stature. In this version it is sung by a young Julia Mitford, of whom you may have heard if you are over a certain youngish age, in a wonnerful Geordie accent, but you can read the words as it is sung. A translation is available for those who can neither speak nor read Geordie, just ask me for it. It is unlisted on YouTube here. I don’t yet have permission to use the singing, which is the best I have heard, yet, but have no reason to think that it will not be given. The song by the way does rather overstate the stature of the Whorm in the way that folk-lore often does.

This video is quite safe and as you shall understand later, presented here in order to provide a context for that which will be released in a few days time, written in the old style on this day the 18th May 2022.